Friday, March 20, 2009

Horrible Obsession

Okay, I am finally giving up my obsession with wanting to get least for now. It is starting to destroy me. Everytime I see people with children and see parents who really should not be parents I get upset. God knows my heart and I know people out there who have gone through this knows my pain. I decided to focus on my health, losing weight, tanning (I know..but I like to tan) and focus on getting a job. I think once Chris and I are on base I will try again. At least then his insurance will at least cover my fertility costs. I believe in my heart God is going to grant me with a healthy baby..I just need to learn to be patient. I am turning 25 in a few weeks and I am feeling old! Never in my life had I imagined being 25 with no children. It makes me sad but I am happy to say I am peaceful with my decision. God never said we will enjoy our situations or even be happy about it but we do need to have joy. I may really dislike this but there is a reason to this insanity and I am positive it will help further His kingdom in some way (hey, everything in our life is to further the kingdom and give God the honor and glory He deserves).

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Can you be a mommy when your baby is not with you?

Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."

We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one
Author Unknown

Why must it be so hard to get pregnant

Alrighty, this is my blog about my issues getting pregnant again. Most people have no idea the pain and frustration that not be able to conceive brings. Ever since my November 06 miscarriage I have not been ovulating and barely having periods (I know too much info but hey this is life people). Well, the reason why I had Ryland is because I took the birth control pill and for some reason I was able to ovulate. Well, my hubby and I have been trying for 9 months or so with the same method and no luck! I even tried Clomid but when I did not ovulate I got so upset that I stopped taking them. Well, after losing 15lbs and learning my hubby is leaving for the Air Force we decided to try again..I will know March 9th if our trying has paid off or not. If I am not pregnant then I am going to do Clomid again. I hope to be pregnant before he leaves but if not I am going to freeze his sperm...I bet I got some strange reactions about that one! I know I would rather conceive naturally myself. However, my hubby will be gone for like 6 months and I don't want to wait that long to get pregnant. I am sure anyone who has ever been pregnant before and lost a child knows what it is like to desperately want another baby. Once you experience this love a mother has for a child you cannot help but be obsessed with obtaining it again. It is unlike any love I have for my hubby or even my family (I guess we mothers have a small inkling of an idea what the love Chris has for us is like). I miss being pregnant and feeling all those wonderful is absolutely amazing! Okay, I am off my tangent here. We are hoping to get pregnant and I am sure you all will be so sick of hearing about my journey on conceiving...I will blog about it often :) To anyone who has a child please never take forgranted what you is such a precious gift to have and it is one to be treasured forever.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Ryland Cole Brown

Okay, before I start blogging about everything in my life from this moment on...I should recap the most important event in my life from last year. My son, Ryland Cole, was born on Feb 27 at 8:08AM. I was in labor for two days even though my doctor and all the staff at the hospital were convinced I wasn't! Imagine having the pain of contractions but thinking it's a bladder spasm...ouch! To make matters worse my contractions did not even show up on the monitor and my belly never got hard from them. Well, when the nurse finally checked me I was fully dilated and ready to push. I was so upset because I wanted pain medication but I toughed it out and had a fast natural birth...and felt every second of it (the contractions hurt worse than the actual delivering of the baby). Oh, and I should mention I had him two months premature. After the shock wore off that I just delivered my child two months early I realized all the doctors around Ryland. At that moment my worst fear became reality-my precious son was not healthy. The doctor's did not know exactly what was wrong with him but they sent him to another hospital. I ended up finding out that my baby boy had a genetic skin condition called Junctional Epidermis Bullosa with Pyloric Atresia. This is a rare disease that my hubby and I both carry and we have a 25 percent with each pregnancy to have this same thing happen again. I received a gene from one of my parents as did my hubby. The messed up part is just thinking about the chances of meeting someone with this same genetic defect! Ryland did not have skin on portions of his body and this disease is 100 percent lethal. After reviewing all of our options we decided we did not want Ryland to suffer anymore (He was doped up on pain medication 24 hrs a day) and took him off his ventilator. We gave our son to Christ and put his life in His hands. Ryland ended up passing away on March 6, 2008 in his daddy's arms. My hubby and I are so blessed to have had Ryland and to have gone through this situation. We both have a much deeper relationship with Christ than we would have ever had. We had to dig deep to make sure we did not blame God or keep wondering why us. We are content with where our lives are at currently and we are hoping and praying for a healthy baby this year..if I ever get pregnant which is another blog entirely!