Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My Little Butterfly

My Little

It happened so quick

It happened so fast

How could we know

That is was your time to go

You have no more bandages

You are in no more pain

But my heart is breaking

And life without you will
never be the same

I know you are happy

Flying high in the sky

Soaring though the wind

Like a little butterfly

I am not worried,

This isn’t good bye

‘Cause next time I see a
butterfly flying real low

That will be you coming to
say hello

I close my eyes and think
of you

And wonder where you are

But you are always in my

So you are never very far

So fly my little Angel

Fly real high

Just like all of the other

Up in the sky

~Sara Denslaw 2008

Don't Tell Me You Understand

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to grieve, don't tell me when to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you and your love...Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, "My friend, I care."

Author Unknown


Untitled Poem

I think about you day and night and wonder "Why Me?",
I wanted you so very much my precious baby.
At least I had the chance to hold you and feel your touch.
And to tell you to remember Mommy loves you very much.
I know they say with time the pain will go away.
But my love and memories for you will always stay.
I wanted so much to hear you laugh and cry,
so many dreams have just passed me by.
I know I must let go and begin to move on,
but I don't know how to say goodbye...
(Author Unknown)

Simple Treasures

A few poems I really love and hold dear to me.

You were a part of us and we knew a life was there.
We would wonder--a boy or girl? Would you have hair?
I reflect back on the memories of what I felt inside
Were you growing? Was that a aflutter? Were your eyes open wide?
Now you're here but not as we planned.
Our dreams have been shattered as we touch your little hand.
Your tiny feet, your sleeping face, we know you're in a special place.
Your peaceful look, your little nose. God cradles you in sweet repose.
But we have these gifts to hold close to heart.
And we will always have the memories of which you are a part.
You were a part of us and we knew a life was there.
We thank you for these simple treasures you have placed within our care.
(Author Unknown)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My dear friend Maria

My dear friend, Maria, had her baby girl yesterday. I went today to see her and little Ella and to bring them a gift. As I walked the halls at Central Baptist going to her room I was filled with anguish for a few moments (I had Ryland at the same hospital and my room was very close to Maria's). Flashbacks of my experience flooded my brain and I almost couldn't bring myself to go to her room. This was her big day and I did not want to ruin her moment in any way. When I walked in and seen Maria and her beautiful baby tears came to my eyes and I just wanted to break down. Here was such an amazing person finally having her dreams of being a mother coming true. I couldn't stay long because hubby was at our house getting the rest of our few belongings out of it before it foreclosed (we had to file bankruptcy due to my emotional breakdown at the end of the year and when I had Ryland early and lost my job it put us in financial ruin which is another blog entirely) and I did not want Maria to see me blubbering like a baby for her with her family in the room..it would have been too embarrassing. As I left and was standing outside I was a little sad for myself because I want to be a mother and know what it is to hold a healthy baby in my arms and just feel the joy it brings. I stopped myself though because I thought about what Maria did for me over the past year. God placed her in my path when I needed someone the most. I was severly depressed, could not get the hubby to visit Ryland's grave, no one offered to help me put decorations up for him (perhaps people may have hinted but I was so far gone that if no one asked me directly then I probably never noticed) and I had no one to visit his grave with me. I felt completely alone. I had to go straight back to work after his birth and never was able to grieve. We had to use credit cards and get loans in order to just survive making our huge mortage payment (which they would not help us in our time of need). Maria has a very similar story to mine. Her son died 2 months before my son was born and passed away. Maria and I both got pregnant the same month we were married and also miscarried our first baby the same month! Everything about our story is the same except the reason our second babies passed away from. It is so strange how we are the same...even similar thoughts and feelings! She came into my life and was able to help me pull out of my depression. She went to my son's grave with me (she had been praying for Ryland because for an entire year his grave was unmarked and there were never any decorations and she never seen anyone there visiting him...it was like he never existed) and helped me see my feelings and thoughts I was having was completely normal! Because of her I was finally able to go to my son's grave and put decorations up and feel peaceful. She even went with me to pick out a tombstone and even offered to take up a collection for the cost of his tombstone. I have no idea if she was able to do that and honestly it does not even matter now. It was the thought that touched me the most. (We are going to use our amended child tax credit to get his tombstone). I love this woman so much and I wanted to write a blog about how happy I am for her. She really deserves to have this precious baby and really no words can describe how I feel. She gives me hope and inspiration. Maria, I am so glad God placed you in my path and you will probably never really know how much you and Brandon did for me and I just want to say how very happy I am for you and even if I never get to experience what you are now that is okay because God granted me my prayer...you had your little miracle who is beautiful and healthy and I can honestly say that is all I wanted :)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Horrible Obsession

Okay, I am finally giving up my obsession with wanting to get pregnant...at least for now. It is starting to destroy me. Everytime I see people with children and see parents who really should not be parents I get upset. God knows my heart and I know people out there who have gone through this knows my pain. I decided to focus on my health, losing weight, tanning (I know..but I like to tan) and focus on getting a job. I think once Chris and I are on base I will try again. At least then his insurance will at least cover my fertility costs. I believe in my heart God is going to grant me with a healthy baby..I just need to learn to be patient. I am turning 25 in a few weeks and I am feeling old! Never in my life had I imagined being 25 with no children. It makes me sad but I am happy to say I am peaceful with my decision. God never said we will enjoy our situations or even be happy about it but we do need to have joy. I may really dislike this but there is a reason to this insanity and I am positive it will help further His kingdom in some way (hey, everything in our life is to further the kingdom and give God the honor and glory He deserves).

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Can you be a mommy when your baby is not with you?

Can You Be A Mother When Your Baby Is Not With You?
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say..."

We go to earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillows were I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize
You are a mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one
Author Unknown

Why must it be so hard to get pregnant

Alrighty, this is my blog about my issues getting pregnant again. Most people have no idea the pain and frustration that not be able to conceive brings. Ever since my November 06 miscarriage I have not been ovulating and barely having periods (I know too much info but hey this is life people). Well, the reason why I had Ryland is because I took the birth control pill and for some reason I was able to ovulate. Well, my hubby and I have been trying for 9 months or so with the same method and no luck! I even tried Clomid but when I did not ovulate I got so upset that I stopped taking them. Well, after losing 15lbs and learning my hubby is leaving for the Air Force we decided to try again..I will know March 9th if our trying has paid off or not. If I am not pregnant then I am going to do Clomid again. I hope to be pregnant before he leaves but if not I am going to freeze his sperm...I bet I got some strange reactions about that one! I know I would rather conceive naturally myself. However, my hubby will be gone for like 6 months and I don't want to wait that long to get pregnant. I am sure anyone who has ever been pregnant before and lost a child knows what it is like to desperately want another baby. Once you experience this love a mother has for a child you cannot help but be obsessed with obtaining it again. It is unlike any love I have for my hubby or even my family (I guess we mothers have a small inkling of an idea what the love Chris has for us is like). I miss being pregnant and feeling all those wonderful feelings..it is absolutely amazing! Okay, I am off my tangent here. We are hoping to get pregnant and I am sure you all will be so sick of hearing about my journey on conceiving...I will blog about it often :) To anyone who has a child please never take forgranted what you have..it is such a precious gift to have and it is one to be treasured forever.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Ryland Cole Brown

Okay, before I start blogging about everything in my life from this moment on...I should recap the most important event in my life from last year. My son, Ryland Cole, was born on Feb 27 at 8:08AM. I was in labor for two days even though my doctor and all the staff at the hospital were convinced I wasn't! Imagine having the pain of contractions but thinking it's a bladder spasm...ouch! To make matters worse my contractions did not even show up on the monitor and my belly never got hard from them. Well, when the nurse finally checked me I was fully dilated and ready to push. I was so upset because I wanted pain medication but I toughed it out and had a fast natural birth...and felt every second of it (the contractions hurt worse than the actual delivering of the baby). Oh, and I should mention I had him two months premature. After the shock wore off that I just delivered my child two months early I realized all the doctors around Ryland. At that moment my worst fear became reality-my precious son was not healthy. The doctor's did not know exactly what was wrong with him but they sent him to another hospital. I ended up finding out that my baby boy had a genetic skin condition called Junctional Epidermis Bullosa with Pyloric Atresia. This is a rare disease that my hubby and I both carry and we have a 25 percent with each pregnancy to have this same thing happen again. I received a gene from one of my parents as did my hubby. The messed up part is just thinking about the chances of meeting someone with this same genetic defect! Ryland did not have skin on portions of his body and this disease is 100 percent lethal. After reviewing all of our options we decided we did not want Ryland to suffer anymore (He was doped up on pain medication 24 hrs a day) and took him off his ventilator. We gave our son to Christ and put his life in His hands. Ryland ended up passing away on March 6, 2008 in his daddy's arms. My hubby and I are so blessed to have had Ryland and to have gone through this situation. We both have a much deeper relationship with Christ than we would have ever had. We had to dig deep to make sure we did not blame God or keep wondering why us. We are content with where our lives are at currently and we are hoping and praying for a healthy baby this year..if I ever get pregnant which is another blog entirely!