Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My dear friend Maria

My dear friend, Maria, had her baby girl yesterday. I went today to see her and little Ella and to bring them a gift. As I walked the halls at Central Baptist going to her room I was filled with anguish for a few moments (I had Ryland at the same hospital and my room was very close to Maria's). Flashbacks of my experience flooded my brain and I almost couldn't bring myself to go to her room. This was her big day and I did not want to ruin her moment in any way. When I walked in and seen Maria and her beautiful baby tears came to my eyes and I just wanted to break down. Here was such an amazing person finally having her dreams of being a mother coming true. I couldn't stay long because hubby was at our house getting the rest of our few belongings out of it before it foreclosed (we had to file bankruptcy due to my emotional breakdown at the end of the year and when I had Ryland early and lost my job it put us in financial ruin which is another blog entirely) and I did not want Maria to see me blubbering like a baby for her with her family in the would have been too embarrassing. As I left and was standing outside I was a little sad for myself because I want to be a mother and know what it is to hold a healthy baby in my arms and just feel the joy it brings. I stopped myself though because I thought about what Maria did for me over the past year. God placed her in my path when I needed someone the most. I was severly depressed, could not get the hubby to visit Ryland's grave, no one offered to help me put decorations up for him (perhaps people may have hinted but I was so far gone that if no one asked me directly then I probably never noticed) and I had no one to visit his grave with me. I felt completely alone. I had to go straight back to work after his birth and never was able to grieve. We had to use credit cards and get loans in order to just survive making our huge mortage payment (which they would not help us in our time of need). Maria has a very similar story to mine. Her son died 2 months before my son was born and passed away. Maria and I both got pregnant the same month we were married and also miscarried our first baby the same month! Everything about our story is the same except the reason our second babies passed away from. It is so strange how we are the same...even similar thoughts and feelings! She came into my life and was able to help me pull out of my depression. She went to my son's grave with me (she had been praying for Ryland because for an entire year his grave was unmarked and there were never any decorations and she never seen anyone there visiting was like he never existed) and helped me see my feelings and thoughts I was having was completely normal! Because of her I was finally able to go to my son's grave and put decorations up and feel peaceful. She even went with me to pick out a tombstone and even offered to take up a collection for the cost of his tombstone. I have no idea if she was able to do that and honestly it does not even matter now. It was the thought that touched me the most. (We are going to use our amended child tax credit to get his tombstone). I love this woman so much and I wanted to write a blog about how happy I am for her. She really deserves to have this precious baby and really no words can describe how I feel. She gives me hope and inspiration. Maria, I am so glad God placed you in my path and you will probably never really know how much you and Brandon did for me and I just want to say how very happy I am for you and even if I never get to experience what you are now that is okay because God granted me my had your little miracle who is beautiful and healthy and I can honestly say that is all I wanted :)