I don't post often and I am trying to change that..
As Ryland's birthday approaches, I am torn apart with so many emotions. Sadness, joy, regret, etc. It's such a sad time because he's not here..yet is joyful because he's in Heaven...regret because there are things I have kept inside that I need to get out..
Ryland was born on Feb 27th, 2008 at 8:08AM. I had been in labor for two days (docs could not pick up my contractions and they never checked my cervix so they did not think I was). When Ryland was born everything happened so fast. I remember looking towards him and hearing such a painful cry and it was heart wrenching. He was missing so much skin. Apparently, the trip through the birth cancal ripped him all to pieces. I remember the doctor telling me he wasn't normal yet didn't know what was wrong. I was completely numb. I honestly did not feel anything.
My husband left to be with Ryland when they transferred him to UK. I stayed behind until I was released. I couldn't feel anything. I did not even know if it was real. I didn't know it then but my mind was just numb to it all so I wouldn't have a breakdown. If only I could have let it all out then. It would have made my life so much easier but I guess it was my body's way at surviving.
I went and seen Ryland later that day and still couldn't cry. He was sedated at this point and I kept seeing Chris break down in gut wrenching tears. I still didn't feel anything. His family was there and doing everything they could to support us. I should have felt supportive but now looking back this was the time Satan started attacking me.
Ryland was in the hospital for 8 days. I hate all of my decisions I made while he was there. I should have been there for my baby 24 hrs a day while he was in pain and miserable. But I didn't. Instead I only went at night. It wasn't busy and people wouldn't look at me. I hated everyone around me and didn't want to see anyone. I was so numb to everything as if nothing was actually happening. My mind could not handle seeing him in pain. The first time his meds wore off and he was wirthing around in pain I completely freaked out. I didn't know what to do. The nurses wanted me to come in and watch as they changed his bandages but I couldn't. I was such a horrible momma. What kind of person am I that I couldn't even be there for him? A nurse had to comfort him during all these times. I just could not handle it. I didn't want to see, didn't want to feel, and didn't want to acknowledge there was anything wrong. I couldn't even talk to him comfortably when I was there. I felt stupid..what kind of mother feels stupid and numb when talking to their baby?? The more information we got about his condition and the more doctors gave us their opinions the more we prayed about taking him off the ventilator. He couldn't breathe on his own (he was born premature) yet I wanted to wait..for a miracle I guess. We prayed a long time before we ever decided to do it. When the time came for it to happen we did have peace.
Chris and I made the decision we did not want anyone in there with us when Ryland passed away. I hated everyone at this point and was bitter. The numbness was wearing off and I was becoming a very different person. I didnt think anyone could understand what we were going through and I didnt want anyone there. I didnt want people looking at me and judging us for this decision. Noone told us what would happen when they took him off the ventilator. I wanted to hold him as he took his final breaths but nothing happened as I thought.
When they took him off the ventilator he gasped for air. I completely broke down at this point. He started breathing on his own and I felt calmer. I was able to hold him for the first time and when he opend his eyes I freaked out. The only times he ever did that previously was when he was in pain. As he was dying, his face changed so many colors..noone told me blood would come out of his mouth. I freaked out and started screaming. I gave Ryland to Chris because I couldn't handle it. I was breaking down. Chris started crying and yelling at me to get a nurse. She came and told me it was normal. We kept kissing his forehead and telling him how much we loved him and how it was okay for him to go. It took 10 very long hours for him to pass. They didn't explain that when you touch a newborn it stimulates their heart..without us knowing it we were making him suffer even longer. I wasn't holding him when he died. This is the decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. I was so scared and couldn't handle it. Chris was holding him and rocking him. He was doing what I should have been doing. I hadn't slept in 8 days and I was so exhausted and my mind could not process anything. He died at 9:10AM 10 hours after we first took him off the ventilator. He died in Chris' arms. When he passed I was able to hold him without fear or worry. I kissed him and told him I loved him. Chris held him again and kissed him. We were crying so hard. We had wanted him so badly. Our innocence was ripped away about life. The nurse came and took him. We left the hospital with nothing except dreams unfulfilled. This was the beginning of a horrible year and it almost cost us our marriage.
As I was reading Courtney's blog about Tripp I just cried and cried. She took such wonderful care of her son. I was not a good momma to Ryland. I don't know what would have happened had he lived. I was so scared and numb to it all and I like to think I could have processed it and finally be able to take care of him. I prayed for God to take Ryland because of his pain. I have never seen a baby so miserable and with so much skin missing. His skin had been ripped off his feet, his pee wee, his legs, neck, arms, and I am not talking about small pieces. ALL of it was gone. The doctors had told us it was the worst case they had seen and every day he lived the worse it got.
I know I am hard on myself. I know I did the best I could. I know I was a good momma but just could not handle it. I regret so many things. I just want to go back in time and do everything I wanted to do. I let Satan rule my life for a year. I was so full of hate and bitterness. I hated every pregnant woman I came across. I wanted to know why me when we had done everything right. It took me months to be able to start grieving and noone knew how hard I had it. I put on a happy face when people seen me and I said "Praise God" about everything. But secretly I was ripped up. I would Ryland's blanket and premie stuff he wore and just cried and cried and cried. I hated the person I became and hated my husband because he was unable to offer me any comfort or help. It was a long year but I am glad I met Maria. She was able to help me cope and offered me the support I needed from someone who understood what it meant to lose a child. If it had not been for her I probably would be divorced. She gave me something noone else could and I will always thank her for that.
Ryland, you are my precious Angel. I did so many things wrong but I want you to know I love you more than anything and I look forward to the day I can hold you in my arms and smell you. You are so perfect and you are so lucky to be in the presence of Jesus and be held in perfect love every single day. <3 I love you so very much and you were so wanted...and still are.